It’s been a funny week. All the excitement of a book out in the world, and a fair amount of stress.

Yesterday I was brilliantly delivering a writing workshop with some magnificent women, signing books and being fabulous. Today I’ve barely made it off the sofa, my throat so exhausted I can barely speak.

I can’t even muster a witty retort to the Mister’s lamentations and prayers that the mighty Spurs might indeed be mighty. (As I’m writing, they’re still failing to show any might, but from my utterly disinterested view, they never do, so nothing new there.)

I am left comfort re-watching Disney movies and sipping herbal tea.

The other thing I have been doing is learning to sign my name.

I’m not an idiot. I know how to sign my own name. Admittedly, my signature is a barely legible scrawl, but it seems I need to practice my signature for signing books.

I didn’t know this was something I needed to practice.

See, first I need to find the right pen. It wouldn’t be unfair to say there are times when my handwriting resembles a spider breakdancing across the page. I can barely read it, let alone expect someone else to, so I figure a nice pen will make all the difference.

Next, I need to work out what to say when signing said book, with said chosen pen.

‘Happy Reading!’

‘Stay Chopsy!’

‘Fuck that shit!’

How to choose?

Apparently, according to the internet, I need to practice writing this because…well, I don’t really understand why, but I have the pen so I’m practising.

A member of my clan, who, after last week’s blog, has forbidden me from mentioning them by familial relationship or the fact that I gave birth to her, suggested that I write from the elbow.

I will repeat that.

WRITE FROM THE ELBOW

Apparently, it stops RSI.

If you know what this means (not RSI, like I said, I’m not an idiot), but if you know what this means, send an answer on a postcard, probably with illustrations and step-by-step instructions.

I’ve tried squeezing the pen in the crook of my arm, dragging it in circles across the page. It’s only a slight improvement on my handwriting.  Honestly, it’s a pain in the arm trying to hold the pen, and I have to squat at a weird angle to align the pen with the page, but I’m practising.

And now I have to practice actually signing my name, with or without using my elbow. It didn’t occur to me not to use my normal scribble, but apparently, fraud… if I go round signing my signature all over the shop, someone could steal my tag and write it on their cheques.  Because we’re all running around bouncing or not bouncing cheques with my dodgy mark.

So, back in the 21^st Century, I will also not be signing any books with my PIN or thumbprint.

Oh, does that mean I should wear gloves?

Can fingerprints be left on the book? Should I practice blurring my dabs?  What if my elbow leaves a print on the page?

I need to practice more.

(The Mister just shouted, he’s either having a heart attack or Spurs have done something good…or bad..?)

But I just got the pen wedged in the crook of my elbow, and the page is at the right angle. He’ll be ok, right?

I’m gonna go with ‘Spurs are crap!’ because, well, I have totally mastered the S’s.

Happy Reading.  

And FYI don’t be coming at me hating on Spurs…you sack your manager this week, you re-sack that trainer next, you can’t play at the forward, or at the back. I’ve lived with a dedicated Spurs fan for thirty years, I’ve pretended to listen to it all, so jog on, mate!

CHOPSY is out in the world, so grab a copy wherever you buy ya books, or take a radical stand and order it from your local library.

https://linktr.ee/chopsymayajordan