This week I discovered my new passion.

My world has changed.

With full on Neuro-spicy hyperfocus I’m hooked. Researching, planning, hunting down all the new kit. (Ok, I had most of it already, but a new outfit wouldnt hurt, you’ve got to look the part.)

What is this new obsession, I hear you ask?

Well, get yourself settled and I will tell you.

Tea Duelling!

How did I not know about Tea Duelling?

Don’t tell me you’ve all been duelling away and not invited me.

A quick Google and a whole new world opens.

In Steampunk circles participants gather for a Tiffin Party – (what do you call a collection of Steam punks? A spanner?)

There is a referee, as there should be for all good duels, known as a Tiffen Master or Mistress.

It seems its best to have a posse of supporters, – (A gaggle? A thread? Ooh a cog of supporters!) The cog of supporters can cheer you as you set to battle.

This is serious business and there are rules.

No. 1 The beverage must be tea. Not coffee or hot chocolate. It all seems a bit vague when it comes to what kind of tea, and the addition of milk and sugar. Would a herbal tea give you any advantage against a milky brew of cats-piss?

No. 2 The biscuits must be uniform for each dueller.  No seeing off their digestive with a custard cream. It seems as long as you both have the same, then it’s a dunk. (Though I do think there is scope for a bit of skill here, outwitting a Penguin with a mint Club, seeing off a Hob-nob with a Ginger-nut.)

No. 3 Obviously cups must be of equal size.

No. 4 To be honest I got a bit bored reading the rest of the rules. I’m the kind of woman that wants to play the game and learn as we go. My tea was getting cold with all the blah-ing on.

So, the idea is that the Tiffin Mistress pours the tea while the opponents square up to each other, calling out as a sign of madness each other’s love or rejection of a Garibaldi. There’s banter – insulting each others cravats, that kind of thing.

Then they each get to choose their biscuit and holding said tea-time treat no more than 6 inches above the cup, when the Master says ‘Dunk!’ they dunk.

There are rules about how deep to dunk, and the Tiffin Master counts to five, then the biscuit is removed from the tea and eaten.

The winner is the one able to eat the biscuit. The aim, I think, is to be the last person to eat your biscuit, not the first. But I might have got that wrong as I stopped reading the rules.

I’m a woman who learns by doing.

I had two packets of Custard Creams, a pack of Digestives, half a pack of Chocolate biscuits and some stale Rich Tea.

In order to give you a full and accurate report on Tea Duelling I have been in training for days. I could have an RSI with all the dunking I’ve been doing.

Full disclosure I’ve been using Mary Grey Tea, hot, with just a splash of milk. I hypothesize that more milk might be an advantage as the fat in the milk may coat the biscuit with a film, therefore slowing tea penetration, but I will need to eat an equal amount of biscuits in milky tea to prove I’m right.

Do you see the things I do for you, to bring you bright and insightful stories for your Tuesday morning. No one else would eat this many biscuits on your behalf.

My findings have been as expected – a custard cream out shines a digestive, which is by far the weakest link. I suspect if the rich tea had been fresh they’d have faired better. The chocolate digestives were so yum I kept forgetting to record their time and quickly ran out.

Just think of the conflict that could be solved with Tea Duelling? Just think of the arguments that could be settled?

I keep trying to pick fights with my husband just so we can resolve it with a dunk.

I feel quite sick and have a sugar migraine hovering before my eyes but my mind is already racing.

What about advanced Tea Duelling – the merits of a Kit Kat versus a Twirl. How about Easter Egg duelling, now that could be a thing. Giant mugs of tea and a whole easter egg.

Explaining it to a friend, it all got a bit sidetracked as we discussed the danger of accidental boobage dipping into your tea – don’t ask me how we got there or the need for buckets of tea in my case.

I think the sugar might have blinded me. I don’t seem to be able to see.

Send more biscuits – STAT – so I can continue my training.

Oh, an’ if you think you’re hard enough you could challenge me to a duel. (Biscuits not boobs! )

I’ve been training for this my whole life.

Go on! Go on, I dare you!