This week I have been mostly scrolling Instagram.

I could be writing, or cleaning my house, or talking to my husband…

This is what I have learned.

Do not let crazy hairdressers wax your head. I’d have thought this was a given, but it seems there is a newfangled trend for waxing lollipop sticks into various orifices (not that kind of orifice!) and then gleefully pulling them out. Not happy with poking wax into holes (again, you at the back, you’ve been told before,) it seems men, and it’s always men, are getting their whole heads waxed. Do I need to say any more?

Other things I have learned.

Cats are dicks. – no further explanation needed.

Dogs are cute until they are dicks.

Pandas have it sussed. They have reached peak life goals (I learned I should have peak life goals, by now.) Pandas are just sat there, living their best lives and not even caring.

Other things…

People are weird.

Blowing bubbles while you are sitting on the loo stops constipation and piles (this is for one particular reader – you know who you are, you are welcome.) You need to take a bottle of pop into the loo with you and blow bubbles with a straw while you poop. (Let me know if it works, love)

There is a ‘salad’ made from tinned pears filled with grated cheese and mayonnaise with a maraschino cherry on top, served on a bed of lime jelly made with hot water and more cheesy mayonnaise, (there might not have been extra cheese in the jelly, but I was gagging too much to notice.)

I learned that I should be pressing this point right here on my cheek while following a ball on the screen and remembering to breathe and then I will find out who my true love is.

And I’m not taking photos the right way, or with the right filter or the right soundtrack.

Also, I’m not dressing the right way.

I do or do not need squeeze-‘em-in-pants.

I am doing too much or not enough or not the right kind of exercise to melt my belly fat, that belly fat can melt. How is that going to happen, and will it make a mess, I mean do I need to change the sheets?

And I should love the body I have, but I should work every day to get the body I deserve.

That instead of eating a basic cheese sandwich, my ‘life goals’ should be to make cheese ‘roses’ out of rolled-up tortillas.

That my ice cubes are basic.

That my life is basic.

That she used to be a personal chef, and this is what she eats when she can’t be bothered to cook. And because my life is basic I don’t have any of that in my fridge.

That I need ‘bikini arms’.

That I have stubborn bra fat.

That someone is seriously trying to convince me that no one will be able to tell the difference and that cauliflower steak is a dish to impress.

Or that crunchy Cabbage Pizza is going to be my new favourite way to eat cabbage.

That if I start now I will be unrecognisable by 2025.

That I have been letting knee pain hold me back and I didn’t even realise.

And to finish it all I have been walking out of doors the wrong way. I wish I could explain to you how to walk out of doors the right way, but I’m so stunned by my complete incompetence when it comes to door-walking that I no longer have words.

The things I do for you!