My daughter-in-law is sick.

Struck with a terrible, life-changing illness, it’s been an adjustment for us all as she learns to live with this affliction and we learn to live with, er, live with her living with…living with living… Apologies, that last sentence kinda got away from me.

Anyway, we’re here for her at this difficult time, and I thought I could use this opportunity to raise awareness of this terrible, nay, tragic, condition.

To be honest, we’re still all reeling from the diagnosis. I mean, I didn’t even know it had a name. Looking back, it’s been coming on for a while. There were definite signs, symptoms even. And now she has an official diagnosis we can all begin this journey- no, this battle to live with it. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

My dear sweet DiL has been diagnosed with Chronic ‘Ber’ Fatigue.

I know, I hadn’t heard of it either, but it’s a real thing.

Apparently, when we hit the ‘Ber’ months (September, October, November, December – I’m not being patronising; initially I didn’t understand that ‘Ber’ months were a thing!)

So, apparently when we hit the ‘Ber’ months, even before the kids go back to school, normal people, healthy people, are ready for Christmas. The Bublé is defrosting, Mariah is taken out of cold storage, and the meme’s informing us of how many minutes it is until Christmas step up a gear.

The shops, aware of the absolute importance of the ‘Ber’ months for our health and mental wellbeing, stock up on mince pies and tubs of twiglets before the school uniform and lunchboxes have even been reduced.

The key, it seems, to living a healthy ‘Ber’ life is to embrace the winter festivities before the sunblock has time to get sticky.

Never mind that old-fashioned notion that Christmas is for December. Current research shows that celebrating the winter in the summer is good for us all.

The trouble with my daughter-in-law was that she just wasn’t ‘feeling it.’

The first sign was the lack of memes. There’s been nothing all summer. No anticipation, no excitement. Of course, we were all melting with climate crisis – it’s hard to focus on snow when your living room is 32 degrees. But a tough mental attitude could have sorted that.

But more on this condition.

In extreme cases, sufferers may find themselves rejecting the concept of all ‘Ber’ months and wearing a bikini to do the shopping in December. They may also show signs of extreme pumpkin spice intolerance; this can result in projectile vomiting of whole pumpkins. If this occurs while bikini-wearing is in full progress, sufferers should be mindful of boob slippage and pumpkin seeds shooting out of their bum.

The daughter-in-law’s symptoms have stepped up.

She no longer likes tinsel.

She is unable to remember where she stored the Christmas tree.

She does not want to listen to Bublé. In September. It’s tragic.

Walking into a supermarket, she is unmoved by rows of glittering Christmas treats. Even at half price.

We are all with her. All trying to understand. All trying to imagine a life where Christmas is, well, for Christmas.

There’s a long road ahead of us. (Well, at the time of writing, 106 days and roughly 18 hours.)

There is currently no cure for CBF.

Your only real option is traditional remedies.

Start slow. Introduce socks in September. Aim to wear a cardi by October.  Early Halloween observance is encouraged – start in April so you have built up enough resilience.

More research into this desperately misunderstood condition is needed. It is thought that almost every living person has at some point suffered from Chronic Ber Fatigue, mistakenly believing that Christmas is in December.

We desperately need more funding. (A Christmas fair was organised to raise money but had to be abandoned when sufferers arrived dressed as the Easter Bunny wearing bikinis and biting the heads off chocolate reindeer.)

I shall continue to raise awareness. Even if I have to eat every fairtrade ethical Christmas chocolate in the country, I will keep the ‘Ber’ months alive for us all.

Donations gratefully received.

Stay safe, people. Stay alert.

Have a mince pie for breakfast just in case.

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